Homebound as many of us still are, depending on how you look at it, we are given an opportunity to spend more time with loved ones, or are forced to deal with the relationships in our lives. We can connect or disconnect. We draw closer to those important to us, or we maintain distance, protective of ourselves and possibly fearful and defensive at the thought of being closer to another. Those in the disconnect latter group have a greater tendency to go through the days with a certain impatience for things to return to what they were before, for routines to resume, for distractions to permeate our lives once more so that there will seem to be more urgent matters to attend to than our relationships.
Jon Kabat-Zinn, a pioneer in Western mindfulness, observed that impatience is rooted in anger and in not wanting things to be as they are. If impatience was an invasive weed infiltrating our otherwise peaceful garden, we might want to dig through the soil that surrounds impatience in an effort to dig it up and get rid of it. In doing so, we might see the anger beneath the surface and say, there, pull that out, only to find that it isn’t removed so easily. The impatience weed might be loosened, but the root might go even deeper, and anger is not necessarily at the end of it.
Anger is uncomfortable, but it sure can be easier (not easy, but easier) to feel anger than other even more disquieting emotions, such as sadness, shame, or fear. To feel those emotions is to admit vulnerability. Some people take that as a weakness, which in itself can be an uncomfortable experience. Perhaps the more difficult route, though, that shows strength is the one that involves admitting and expressing those more vulnerable emotions. Part of the challenge of facing those more vulnerable emotions is the question that follows: Now what?
There can be a discomfort to sit with that vulnerability, making it seem like a hot potato that is difficult to hold. Then don’t hold it. Put it down and be with it. Sometimes, stress and its accompanying emotional symphony just needs to be heard and experienced. Sometimes a bad day, a bad week, or a bad month or season is just that.
That’s where we come back to our relationships. As we are experiencing the COVID situation in our own way—and so are our loved ones doing the same in their own ways—are we unintentionally giving ourselves the message that we have to deal with this on our own? Or can we allow ourselves to voice:
“I’m having a hard time with this.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“This whole situation is driving me crazy.”
“When will this end?”
“I’m scared.”
Having the courage to say these things is no small feat. To say them to a partner has the potential to reinforce the connection and support between you. That communication has two parts: what is said, and what is heard. Consider the difference between these two scenarios:
Scenario A:
Person 1: When will this end already? This is driving me nuts!
Person 2: Well, what do you want me to do about it? I’m going through this too, you know!
Person 1: I didn’t say you weren’t. I’m just saying this is driving me out of my mind!
Person 2: Well, I can’t do anything about it. It is what it is.
Scenario B:
Person 1: When will this end already? This is driving me nuts!
Person 2: I know it’s hard. This is tough for both of us.
Person 1: I feel so cooped up. This is really taking a toll on me.
Person 2: Me too. We will get through this together.
In Scenario A, Person 2 identifies quite strongly with the powerlessness inherent in what Person 1 is saying; in other words, Person 2 feels the same way. Both are trying, at the same time, to express how they feel, leaving both of them feeling unheard. In Scenario B, Person 2 is more present to listen to the experiences of Person 1. Rather than invalidate their partner’s experiences in an effort to express his/her own experiences, Person 2 takes a moment to be there for his/her partner, and there is the opportunity afterwards for them to switch positions between speaker and listener. You may read those and think, yeah, that’s not how we speak to each other. Fair enough. Maybe this is as good a time as any to try things differently, to try approaching situations in ways that may feel unfamiliar.
This example is not a panacea or magic wand for nurturing relationships. It is an important acknowledgment that things cannot improve until we listen to each other. Another necessary point to note is that a prerequisite to listening to each other is respect. For instance, you may have little desire to engage with or listen to someone whom you don’t respect.
There is no doubt about it: our resources—emotional and other—continue to be challenged right now. Let’s respond to the challenge in ways that we can look back one day and say that this situation has revealed new strengths which allow the practice of new approaches that have helped me—helped us—to navigate these foreign waters a little more easily.
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