How to Tell Your Children You’re Getting Divorced
Acknowledge that this is one of the most difficult moments in the entire divorce process.
Knowing when the right time is:
Determining when the right time to tell your children will be based on their age and stage of development. However, the simplest guideline is to not rush to inform them. This is a difficult conversation to have, and one or both parents may want to rush to get it over with. It is important to understand that informing the children too early, can be detrimental to their acceptance process.
Understand your family’s circumstances. Each family is different, and their needs may vary, so take the time to think about what your divorce will look like.
5 steps to telling your children:
- Parents discuss the separation first without the children
- Both parents take time to process the new information on their own
- Both parents discuss the separation process together
- Practice telling the children together
- Tell the children as a united force
Acknowledge that you are both only human, and one or both of you may be feeling a wide range of emotions. It is important to recognize how you will be responding and holing yourself during the conversation with the children. The practice conversation with the other parent will help you both gauge how your emotions may come to the surface when talking with the children. If you know that one or both of you will either cry or become visibly frustrated, it may be best to keep the conversation with the children short and to the point.
Keep in mind that your children will need time to process, as did the both of you, and may want to discuss the separation again at a later time. Understanding your children and their needs will help determine the best way to have the conversation.
Ages and Stages:
Young Children under 9
- Protect the children from conflict
- Timing: Best time to inform the children in their age group is to inform them when circumstances in their environment will be changing. Determining to inform the children when you anticipate something to change, such as one parent moving out. Important not to inform the children the day before the change, but not too soon before the change. A rule of thumb may be to inform the young children 2 weeks before the change.
Older children 10+
- Protect older children from conflict
- Timing: Older children may need to be informed earlier than younger children. At this age, the children can pick up on emotional cues and relational dynamic changes.
The Personality of the Child
- Take some time to think about the personality of your children, what message may be best received, and their coping mechanisms with the unknown.
- Observing the children after the conversation to see how they are navigating the new situation to ensure you are supporting them.
What to Tell the Children
- Reassure the children that both parents will be a part of their lives
- Tell them they are loved and it is not their fault
- Identify what will be consistent: School, one home, friends, etc.
- Focus on the positive: two bedrooms, two Christmas, more toys.
What Not to Tell the Children
- Too much detail
- Fairly short conversation getting one concept across
- Not placing blame on either parent, causes conflict where the conversation should be neutral between the parents
Tips:
- Do not underestimate how important the practice conversation is.
- Remember you are still a family and that only your relational dynamic is changing, and that you will always be family as the children’s parents.
- Avoid assigning blame.
- Children do not need to know details; it is not helpful or appropriate to provide details of the breakdown in the relationship. They have a right to have a relationship with both parents and should not be placed in a situation to choose one over the other.
- Put aside personal differences and focus on how to approach this in the best way for your children.
- Each family member should have an independent ally to whom they feel they can talk.
- You are a team.