Gottman’s 5 Horsemen of Co-Parenting: What Not to Do
Co-parenting after a separation or divorce can be challenging, and parents need to work together to create a positive and supportive environment for their children. However, conflicts and misunderstandings can arise, which can lead to negative behaviours that can damage the co-parenting relationship.
John Gottman, a well-known psychologist and researcher who has studied relationships and marriage for over four decades, has identified four negative behaviours that he refers to as the “four horsemen” of relationship failure. These behaviours are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
- Criticism involves attacking or fault-finding with your co-parent’s personality or character, rather than addressing specific behaviours or actions. This type of criticism can be particularly damaging to a co-parenting relationship, as it can erode trust and respect, and make it difficult to work together effectively.
- Contempt involves expressing disdain or disrespect towards your co-parent, through verbal or nonverbal means such as eye-rolling or sarcastic comments. This behaviour can be particularly harmful to a co-parenting relationship, as it can lead to feelings of hurt, anger, and resentment, and make it difficult to communicate effectively.
- Defensiveness involves reacting to your co-parent’s complaints or criticisms with counter-accusations or denial of responsibility, rather than taking an open and receptive approach to addressing the issue. This behaviour can make it difficult to resolve conflicts and can lead to a breakdown in communication, which can be particularly damaging to a co-parenting relationship.
- Stonewalling involves shutting down or withdrawing from the conversation, rather than actively engaging and attempting to resolve conflicts. This behaviour can be particularly damaging to a co-parenting relationship, as it can create feelings of isolation and disconnection, and make it difficult to work together effectively.
If you are experiencing any of these negative behaviours in your co-parenting relationship, it is important to address them as soon as possible to prevent further damage. Seeking the support of a parenting coach or other qualified professional can be helpful in learning how to effectively communicate and resolve conflicts. By working together to address and eliminate these negative behaviours, co-parents can build a stronger, more supportive, and more fulfilling relationship for the benefit of their children.
