Counselling Archives

Shaken Snow Globe

On April 2, 2020 / Counselling / Leave a Comment

Consider snow globes, those self-enclosed landscapes with white ‘snow’ blanketing the ground, houses, and perhaps with models of kids playing, or snow-people built with smiling faces. To take a few moments to look at one might briefly bring some peace and relaxation.

Until you pick it up, and shake-shake-shake that snow globe until you can see nothing but white flakes swirling about, clouding the entire peaceful scene that you know is in there somewhere. And then you set it down again, watching everything swirl round and round, and waiting for things to settle once again.

At times, it may feel as if we are collectively in that snow globe, as if our world has been shaken, obscuring from our views those things that we need (and perhaps took for granted) to help provide a sense of stability, safety, and security in our lives. In some very real ways, that is what many people are going through.

That is what many people are going through, and it might be helpful to wonder just how people are experiencing that.

People are experiencing what is happening in many possible ways. That right there is the first thing to really honour: the idea that we are all experiencing this COVID-19 situation differently. Some connect with others, while still other people withdraw; some check in on their neighbours and friends while others are impatient and tense in line at grocery stores. Some people may be doing all of that at different times.

When we consider how people respond to a lack of stability, safety, and security, there are three aspects to consider: behaviour, perceptions, and feelings. Or, in other words, what we do, what we think, and how we feel. When we see others—directly or through various media—all we can gather is the first of those, behaviours. We see what others do. We hear what they do. We do not see what they think or how they feel. We do not hear what goes on inside of people, perhaps leading to our own perceptions of a ‘rude’ response that then gets generalized into seeing a ‘rude person’. We do not see the person who may be scared, for himself (or herself) or others. We do not see the person who deserves compassion. We may not see someone with whom to empathize; only someone to judge.

Good things can come out of fear too. Even when we see people going out of their way to help others, this too may be a response to deal with their own fear, and in a positive way. That’s why it’s best, especially when the social (or global) snow globe has been shaken, to remember that the vast majority of us are doing our best with what we have. We are trying to deal with what we normally would see without the disorienting ‘blizzard’ right in front of our faces.

And for those of us who aren’t doing our best? For those of us who don’t social-distance, who defy requests and orders to not go to certain places or convene in large numbers? It’s not likely that judgment will help them see through their own blizzard any more clearly. If they are lost in that blizzard of the shaken snow globe, they need a hand, empathy, and assistance. Maybe they could benefit from a change of perspective, and from a safe place where they can be vulnerable and look inward at what is contributing to their seeming defiance.

We are in this together. And that means more than shutting ourselves in and waiting for the storm to pass. It means being aware, vulnerable, creative, and caring towards ourselves, and one another.

Family TLC

From 3 to 93, Counselling for All of Life. Family TLC is the trusted place Canadians go for Family Therapy and Life Coaching

Reality Check

On April 2, 2020 / Counselling / Leave a Comment

This is being written as March Break, 2020 is coming to a close, or normally would if not for the self-isolation we are all encouraged to be a part of. Spring sprung days ago. This year, it seems like the acknowledgment of winter ending and the coming of spring that promises warmer and more comfortable days ahead is largely disregarded by the ongoing news of COVID-19. It’s a little like being too busy taking care of the kids to acknowledge the arrival of a loved one whom you would like to spend more time with.

Let’s face it. We have been hearing a lot about this pandemic. Hearing the words ‘coronavirus’, ‘COVID-19’, ‘pandemic’, ‘self-isolation’, and ‘quarantine’ over and over again can result in a sort of dulling of their impact. Imagine being in a school or other public place and having a fire drill. You line up dutifully and quietly, as you have practised before, exit more or less in the way that you should, have some fresh air, and then return inside. Then the alarm goes off again. And again.

Or imagine taking a ball—tennis ball, baseball, any ball—and throwing it as hard as you can, whether against a wall to see how far in return the wall will send it or into an open field, testing for distance. You put a fair amount, even a large amount, of energy into that throw to get the desired result. Then you do it again. And again. With each subsequent throw, there’s just that much less energy left to use.

Or ask any child who repeatedly has heard the refrain clean your room. As many parents can attest to, it loses its impact after a while.
So when we hear the directions of health officers and government officials that, for the time being, we need to self-isolate, et cetera, et cetera, it can reach a point where we become that child who dismissively says ‘yeah, whatever’ to the instruction of room cleaning. It can quite easily reach a point where we lack the energy to shine on each fire drill follow-through, and where the energy to do more and go farther just isn’t there.

Now add two other ingredients to this mental and/or physical exhaustion: fear and helplessness. “How long will this last?” becomes seasoned with a fear that this will go on for longer, and longer, and with helplessness at not being able to do more than we are doing now. Add fear and helplessness together, and they can result in excess energy that seems to have no natural outlet—restlessness, anger, impatience, frustration.

By this time, we are used to the fast pace of media messages that reach us. Whether this is a good or a bad thing is debatable. Whether they are “spam”, advertisements, news, sports, or entertainment, some screens simultaneously have more information on them, or even types of information, than we can count on our fingers. That, for better or worse, is something we are somewhat accustomed to. What we are not accustomed to is the lack of stability, the seemingly ever-changing COVID-19 landscape. Numbers of cases change, numbers of those who have recovered and who have succumbed to the disease both keep climbing, and changes are seen in the geography of those cases as well as personal, company, and government responses trying to stay on top of this situation. We are more accepting of such uncertainties when it comes to weather reports. We simply don’t expect the weather to stay the same, even if we would like it to (in the warmer summer months, please and thank you). Yet we expect more consistency and stability when it comes to what we are experiencing now. We all do. And yet there are more unknowns than usual right now, in spite of consoling or resigning ourselves to the view that ‘it is what it is’.

There are concepts used in a wide variety of contexts called the sphere of influence and the sphere of control. You can picture it like a donut, a smaller circle within a larger one. Our spheres of control are much smaller than our spheres of influence. While ‘it is what it is’ can come across like a dismissal or a resignation to one’s current situation, what matters are the next words: So now what? First, take the time to gain a sense of clarity about what is within your control—and, let’s face it, it might not be much or as much as you would like—and what is within your influence. For now, even that sphere may have shrunk in size.

In the previous article, we talked about the value of bringing things back to basics at a time of potentially heightened stress as this. We recommend to use a systematic ‘back to basics’ theme when going through that mental exercise about what resides in your sphere of control or your sphere of influence. You can approach that exercise based on the layout of your home, a schedule that you follow, or categories such as relationships, work, school, self-care, and social interactions. Having clarity around what you can control, what you can influence, and what exists outside both of those spheres can help to regulate oneself in the face of, say, potential information overload.

So perhaps now is a good time to take a breath. To pause, and to inhale, being aware of the air filling your lungs, and to exhale slowly and fully, before drawing in breath in a more relaxed fashion. The reality as we see it now is that, for the time being, this is our situation. We have the ability to care for ourselves, reach out to those who can help us to do that, and reach out to those who are not able to do that for themselves so easily, for whatever reason. It may take some time, but we’ve got this. We will continue to find ways—creatively, thoughtfully, compassionately—to look after ourselves and others.

Continue to look after each other,
Family TLC

Family TLC

From 3 to 93, Counselling for All of Life. Family TLC is the trusted place Canadians go for Family Therapy and Life Coaching

In This Together

On March 26, 2020 / Counselling / Leave a Comment

There’s no sugar-coating it or trying to pretend otherwise. Things are not so good right now. It is simply not ‘business as usual’.

Prior to COVID-19, many people had more of a sense of stability than they do right now. Many people lived their lives with a certain amount of recognizable happiness, planning for a future that they could see with relative clarity weeks, months, and even seasons down the road. Other people already were struggling before COVID-19 changed our daily lives, trying what they could to stay afloat—emotionally, financially, in their relationships, personally—in what already were chronically challenging times. Either way, every one of us has been dealt a blow. This situation has rattled some people closer to the core than others, but it has rattled all of us nonetheless.

We all are looking for answers; answers that would provide a sense of comfort and security, safety and reassurance that things haven’t changed all that much from the way they were last summer or last autumn. Where do we look for these answers? Pretty much the same places we always look to for answers—our families and friends, our workplaces, governments, and professions such as medicine, health care, the finance industry, and the education system, among others. What we really want in a wishful thinking sort of way is guarantees, and there just aren’t any.

This is not said with the intent of being ‘doom and gloom’. This is not said to be catastrophic or impulsive in our thinking or in our actions (or reactions) in response to what is happening around us. Rather, it is the start of a process that brings things back to basics, as it were, to strip away the ‘what-ifs’ that so easily can cling to the barrage of media announcements and headlines as clothes from the dryer might cling to one another without the protection of a fabric softening sheet. Assessing ‘what is’ is the best way to keep that mental ‘fabric softener’ in the mix.

The thing is this: While we are all experiencing challenges brought about by COVID-19—and experiencing them in both similar and unique ways from one another—we also have strengths that we can tap into to see us through this time.

To that end, we could talk about the value of being patient and understanding, responding to one another compassionately, and prioritizing—or re-prioritizing—aspects of our lives right now. We could talk about that, and hope or assume that just because it’s been said, it will be done. In a manner of speaking, that might be the very definition of the magician’s setup: abracadabra. One suggestion has been that the word comes from a Hebrew phrase that means, roughly translated, “it will happen as I have said”. Words are a start. For them to be actionable requires commitment and, especially, courage. Besides, the ideas at the start of this paragraph really speak to what we want and not how they will happen.

Over the next several weeks, we are planning on releasing one to two blogs per week to do our part to help address what we—all of us, because we are in this together—may be experiencing, and how we can improve our lives both within ourselves and between and among us all. We welcome any feedback that you wish to share. And please remember that these entries in no way are intended to replace the individual care that can be had through psychotherapy, counseling, or other health and medical care.

Let’s all do what we can to stay healthy—mentally and physically.

We are all in this together.

Family TLC

From 3 to 93, Counselling for All of Life. Family TLC is the trusted place Canadians go for Family Therapy and Life Coaching

Reconnecting with Oneself During Stressful Times

On March 24, 2020 / Counselling / Leave a Comment

The unexpected turn of events in our society has resulted in policies and procedures that are being enforced at a rapid pace in order to sustain our personal and mental health. These events have generated a mixed bag of emotions; fear, sorrow, uncertainty, loneliness and anxiety. It is important to remember that these emotions are not only normal but also vital to our daily functioning. Anxiety in particular, alerts us that we need to take action to bring ourselves back into balance. In other words, anxiety is a protective instinct. It does not always feel comfortable but it is also not dangerous. Symptoms of anxiety include but are not limited to the following; insomnia (trouble sleeping), increased heart rate, fatigue, restlessness and irritability. When we choose to honor the intelligence of our anxiety, we reconnect with ourselves and consequently reduce the distress associated with anxiety.

The following are coping mechanisms which can be implemented to not only help alleviate anxiety but also help us to reconnect with ourselves;

Take a mindful walk (keeping in mind the social distancing rule) and reconnect with nature or engage in activities that promote relaxation such as listening to your favorite music. Paying attention to the moment brings us to the present thus reducing the ruminating thoughts which cause anxiety.

Use this time to organize your closet, photo albums (remember those). These tasks give us a sense of control.

Reconnect with a hobby which you have not had time to engage in lately or learn a new skill; learning to play the guitar, learning a new language or that book which has been on your nightstand that you’ve been meaning to finish. The use of our brains for new activities stimulates creativity and calm

Pay attention to your diet. Certain foods and caffeinated beverages increase anxiety.

Keep a log of your anxiety responses and your coping mechanisms which you can review with your therapist so that you can develop a personalized menu for strategies to cope with anxiety

Nalin Bisnath

Therapist at Family TLC. She graudated from York University (BA in Psychology) and Yorkville University with a MA in Counselling Psychology, is a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) with the College of Registered Psychotherapists of Ontario and a member in good standing with the Ontario Association of Mental Health Professionals (OAMHP).

Consumerism

On October 10, 2019 / Counselling /

Do you have a house full of stuff but still feel like you are always buying more things?

Do you feel self-conscious about what you have compared to your friends, family or neighbors?

Are you worried about your growing debt but can’t seem to manage your spending?

Do you feel like your kids are always asking for more stuff?

You may have heard the term consumer culture, but what does that mean exactly?! Consumer culture is a societal attitude that promotes the purchase of goods for personal satisfaction and economic stimulation. It’s a system where our status and values are based around acquiring things and it relies on creating desire for products which may not have any real need.

This model of consumerism is just one way the economy can work, and as many are beginning to realise, the habits of consumerism are taking a toll on our life-sustaining natural systems. Plain and simple – humans consume more resources and produce more waste than the earth can sustain.

Self-worth

Did you know that consumerism can actually reduce self-esteem and lead to despair and depression?!

Think about it, if you are convinced you need to buy something, it’s often implying you are deficient and need a certain product in order to be good enough. Studies show when people’s self-worth goes up, their consumptive behaviors go down! So although consuming may give you a rush that you are relevant and accepted, this behavior could actually be perpetuating isolation and creating a vicious circle of loneliness and consumerism.

Fitting in

So where exactly does the desire for consumption come from?

Brené Brown says:

“Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”

So as social beings who are driven to belong, but possibly equipped with a misunderstanding of where true belonging comes from, can you ask yourself… How many of my behaviors are motivated by a desire to belong, and what am I doing to just fit in?

Perhaps you feel you need new clothes, but deep down you are actually quite lonely and crave connection and attention.

Maybe you’re convinced you need a new truck, but you actually have been questioning your self-worth and how you are needed or useful to your community.

Or you’ve decided you need a home-gym, but your true fear is not having people in your life to support you in the future.

Possibly you’ve thought you need new makeup or hair products, but your true concern is your lack of self-worth.

Maybe what you really need is the same thing we all do, to connect, to be loved, to be accepted, to feel like you are enough. To belong.

Where does the desire to belong come from?

What if I told you that human connection is possibly the most influential force in our lives?! The key is in validation, when you see aspects of your authentic self, reflected in someone else, you are reassured. Humans need social relationships that foster feelings of love and acceptance.

Evolutionarily: being part of a community is vital for health and safety – the community can typically provide more protection and sustenance than going it alone.
Physiologically: social support governs hormonal responses – deep connections increase the body’s ability to handle stress.
Psychologically: supportive, compassionate connections can improve both physical and emotional health.

We, as humans, are reliant on the knowledge, skills and support of others to live well!

Moving toward belonging

How can you create a sense of belonging? It starts by understanding consumerism through a compassionate lens. We consumer in order to fit in and feel accepted; desires with primal origins and important outcomes. So next time you are driven to consume, ask yourself if there is an underlying desire to belong.

And remember, belonging can come from many different sources: people (many or a few), an institution or organization, or even social media networks. Doesn’t matter who or where you make connections but it’s important to:

Focus on similarities: this gives a sense of validation and reassurance.
Practice acceptance of others: you can accept someone without agreeing with them!
Limit judgement: say yes to new opportunities.

Climate change deals with foreboding issues. Without strong community support, facing these issues can trigger or worsen feelings of despair, isolation, and even depression. Moving forward we have a choice to make, do we perpetuate materialism by acquiring hollow substitutes for belonging or do we suspend judgment, focus on commonalities, and seek to truly connect?

How can I get help?

We at Family TLC believe that in order to heal the world, we need to start with healing ourselves and our close relationships. Addressing consumer-culture and over-consumption can begin by building a strong sense of belonging and self-worth. Contact us to find out how you can foster meaningful relationships and create a sense of belonging in your life!

Suffering from Eco anxiety and climate guilt?

On April 26, 2019 / Counselling /

Welcome to the club. According to the American Psychological Association you’re not alone, as the effects of climate change are triggering both immediate and long-term psychological consequences for people all around the world.

Of course people want a healthy vibrant earth, a sustainable world for future generations, and for wildlife and nature to thrive. So if people are feeling this way, why is it difficult to take action? Because change is hard in any aspect of life. Maybe you have thought about adopting pro-environmental behaviors but some of these issues have come up:

• You don’t know where to start.
• You’ve started making changes but don’t feel like it’s enough.
• You have trouble sticking with it.
• You feel exhausted from trying so hard.
• Your relationships are suffering because loved ones don’t share your views.
• You feel paralyzed with fear when thinking about the future.

Believe it or not, these concerns are incredibly common because the time and geographic scales of climate change are just too big to relate to. When people are faced with challenges that they can’t comprehend, they react emotionally and psychologically.

Psychology professor Robert Gifford explains that many people put off adopting pro-environmental behaviors due to psychological barriers that fit into 7 categories called:

The Dragons of Inaction.

1. Uncertainty: People become uncertain because they are numb to hearing the same things or just can’t process such large concerns.
“It’s just another depressing story that doesn’t really have anything to do with me.”

2. Worldviews: Sometimes people limit their behaviors because of their beliefs.
“Technology or Mother Earth or Capitalism will save us.”

3. Comparisons: Social norms and networks have a big influence on what people do.
“Other people aren’t really changing their lifestyle, why should I?”

4. Costs: People are often driven by fear of losing what they have already invested.
“The costs of changing my whole life to go green are just too high.”

5. Discredence: Doubt in government and experts dissuades action.
“People have been wrong about this kind of thing before, why should we listen to them now?”

6. Risks: Fears of financial, functional, physical and social risks are often discouraging.
“Will I be judged for looking like a hippie? Isn’t it dangerous to ride a bike all the time?”

7. Limitations: Occasionally people will only make low-impact or short-term commitments
“I bought an energy efficient dishwasher so I can shower for as long as I want.”

The interesting thing is that these challenges are not specific to environmental action- they come up when trying to sustain any kind of behavioral change! Luckily the tools really do exist to ‘slay-the-dragons’. Working with a professional can help build resiliency to deal with anxiety and depression, and to make lasting change.

How Family TLC Can Help
To alleviate the debilitating effects of anxiety it is important for people to understand how anxiety works, what their triggers are, and what strategies they can use. Depending on the individual, we at Family TLC recommend and conduct progressive relaxation and mindfulness techniques, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, as well as Dialectic Behavioral Therapy. Implementing a combination of these techniques with a trained therapist, alleviates the paralyzing effect of facing overwhelming situations such as climate change.

Once individuals have developed confidence and resilience, Family TLC helps people to implement strategies for lasting change. Helping people with self-monitoring, goal-setting, and evaluation is an important first step, then the external accountability of regular sessions builds long term success. In addition, allowing clients to understand their personal values and motivations is a powerful facilitator of change. Lastly, Family TLC therapists remind clients to set realistic expectations and clear boundaries, in order to develop self-compassion and compassion toward others.

Co-authored by:
Kyera CookMA in Environmental Education and Communication and Sue Cook RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC

How to Find a Therapist

On September 19, 2016 / Counselling /

At Family TLC, we see our counselling clients as strong people who are investing in their own wellness and actively participating in their self-improvement – despite any stigma that still exists about asking for help.

Once you’re ready to seek that help, your next step is to find the right therapist for you. Here are some suggestions to help with that process:

Ask family and friends: Ask those who are in therapy how they were able to find a therapist and if they like their therapist. If they do, find out what exactly it is they like about them and see if their therapist would be willing to give you a list of referrals. If none of your friends are in therapy then you can always get referrals by calling institutes (e.g., Jungian/Psychodynamic/Psychoanalytic) to find therapists in your area. Many of these institutes provide an intake to match you with a therapist in your area who can help you overcome the obstacles you are facing.

[Read more…]

The Benefits of Counseling

On August 5, 2016 / Counselling /

No doubt you’ve heard that counseling has many benefits, but perhaps you don’t know if it can benefit you. There are many life transitions in which the help of a counselor can immensely lessen the stress and confusion. Some of the most common are as follows:

[Read more…]

Debunking the Stigmas About Counselling

On October 14, 2015 / Counselling /

There is an unfortunate stigma that can surround counselling. Those who seek help are seen as weak or out of control. Even though few people would hesitate to go to the doctor or emergency room for a physical ailment, there can still be prejudice against those who are getting help for their minds.

Thankfully, with increasing media attention being drawn towards mental health, the power of these stigmas have begun to fade. Here are some common myths we can debunk about counselling:

[Read more…]

An Interview with Sue Cook

On December 19, 2013 / Counselling /

Sue Cook is the owner and operator of Family TLC – Family Therapy and Life Coaching Group. Sue started working in this profession in the early 1980’s and has had the opportunity and privilege of assisting thousands of people. Learn more about Sue in the following interview:

Q: Which three adjectives describe your success?

Intuition, growth and belief. I have great intuition and I have learned to listen to it. When I am doing what I am meant to do, following my intuition everything soars. Growth is always a focus for me, I am constantly asking myself how can we grow, how can I grow? This does not necessarily mean bigger but it always means better. Belief is something you must keep at the forefront, belief to me is a positive attitude combined with the trust that all will work out.

Q: What would you do with unlimited resources?

I would expand my team of experts, surround myself with people who know more than I do in their specialized area. With a well-paid diversified team I know we could build the Family TLC vision sooner. That way we can reach so many more Canadian Families and help so many more people. [Read more…]

Family TLC

Family TLC

Family TLC

Nalin Bisnath

Self-worth

Fitting in

Where does the desire to belong come from?

Moving toward belonging

How can I get help?

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