If parents are consciously focused on and sensitive to their child’s essential needs during and after the divorce, they will do a better job of meeting them. [Read more…]
Stages of Disconnection in a Marriage
Pleasing – Both spouses feel happy, hopeful and content. They forgive each other and are able to forget.
Familiar – Spouses feel relaxed with each other, but as the normal stressors happen in life they start to build resentment and take each other for granted.
Uncomfortable – Unhappiness starts to set in. Most couples do not know how to communicate their needs directly so they ask indirectly. Do this, do that. They cannot express their real needs and therefore cannot meet each other’s needs.
How to Negotiate During your Separation
There are ways to prepare that can help to alleviate some of these difficult emotions and can keep the negotiation process on track. By preparing, you will help to ensure that your negotiations remain on the right path, that your voice is heard, that your wishes are clear, and that your emotions do not get in the way of the process.
My Spouse is Having a Midlife Crisis: How Will This Affect My Marriage?
A midlife crisis is part of a continuing developmental process of maturation and adaptation that characterizes aging, and it affects a large portion of the population in western society.
According to clinical professor of psychiatry Calvin Colarusso, someone having a true midlife crisis usually wants to change their life in a hurry. If this is your spouse, what does that mean for your marriage?
That depends on a few factors:
What is he/she looking to change? – There are certain things that are common for an individual to want to change during a midlife crisis:
- Job
- Appearance
- Health
- Vehicle
- Home
- Spouse
Do You Have a Debt-Free Date?
By Charmaine Huber
Google debt stress and you’ll get over 69 MILLION results. Credit is seductive. Credit card companies spend millions of dollars to convince you to borrow their money. They have catchy slogans like:
- It’s everywhere you want to be. (Visa)
- There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else there’s Mastercard.
- What’s in your wallet? (Capital One)
- Don’t leave home without it. (American Express)
It’s no wonder that credit monitoring agency TransUnion is predicting the average consumer’s debt will reach an all time high by the end of 2014.
But there are things you can do right now to lower debt and debt stress. [Read more…]
The M-SPOT – Is Money Affecting Your Marriage?
At Family TLC, we’ve noticed that conflict around finances is the largest contributing factor of separation. We believe that fighting about money or avoiding money discussions predict separation and divorce more than any other relationship problems. If couples can learn to talk constructively about money issues, many relationships could be saved.
Our clients have told us that discussions about debt, budgeting, money secrets, spending, financial emergencies and investing often turn into arguments. These arguments can then turn into full blown fights with damaging and angry words. While we can all agree that this is not an effective way to communicate with your partner, many couples are unable to change the course of this dialogue once it starts. [Read more…]
How Do I Decide to Split or Stay?
“If I end my marriage, it will hurt so many people.”
“If I stay in my marriage, I will be so lonely and miserable.”
When you are unhappy in your marriage or common-law relationship, it’s hard to see things clearly. Troubling thoughts like these might be swirling around in your head non-stop. How do you decide whether to stay or go?
Any decision can be hard, but a major decision like this can be one of the most challenging. I sometimes hear people judge others for ending a marriage or relationship too easily. In my experience this is not true. I see people agonize over this decision for years, and even when they do decide, I have yet to meet anyone who is 100% certain that their choice was the right thing to do. [Read more…]
The Solitude of Marriage
I read a quote on Facebook and it said something like, “I would rather be lonely than with someone who makes me feel alone.” This rang true for me, since at Family TLC many married clients tell us that they feel lonely and they never thought that it would be that way. In order to protect the privacy of our clients I cannot tell you about one in particular, so I will create a fictitious client named Martha who is a composite of many clients.
The shock of unhappiness
Martha remembers the day she realized how unhappy she was in her marriage. It was late at night and she was just sitting down to browse her Facebook account. She had done her usual night time routine of kids, laundry, lunches, dog, dishes. She felt tired but wanted a few minutes of “me” time.
She had been connecting with high school friends through Facebook and it was good to remember the happy times. She had a new message from Mark, who she dated in high school. She felt butterflies in her stomach as she started reading his message. He was showing an interest in her, and asking lots of questions about her.
Martha stopped for a second, and realized it seemed like it had been forever since she had felt this kind of connection. It made her feel excited, sexy and young. Was it just a minute ago she felt tired, worn out and angry?
Losing yourself when you settle
Martha’s husband John was home somewhere but she did not know where. They rarely occupied the same part of the house these days. Come to think of it, they had not talked, well, really talked, since who knows when.
They were both good parents and did everything for the kids. With their combined incomes, they could afford a nice house in a good neighbourhood, and their kids had more than either of them had growing up. But, and this was a big but, they didn’t have a good time together anymore. John did not excite her; he was boring and disappointing.
Even worse, she was losing herself. She did not like this angry, unhappy, lonely woman she had become. She deserved more, but she feared that more for her will mean less for the kids.
Is this marriage worth saving?
Martha realized the marriage was not working. What she didn’t know is whether it could be fixed. Was it salvageable, or should they separate, and what would that be like? How would a separation affect the kids? Even though she deserved more, does that mean the kids deserved less?
Yet how could she keep living like this? Is their marriage giving the kids the best model of a good relationship, or is it teaching them to settle? This was too much to think about. However she knew she could not carry one like this for much longer.
Can you relate to Martha’s story? Do you feel like you just can’t carry on in your marriage? At Family TLC we offer marriage counselling, help for those going through separation and divorce, and individual counselling for those who, like Martha, aren’t sure of the right path to take.
You Matter – We All Matter
This is an abridged version of a talk I gave at the You Matter conference, October 15, 2012 in Barrie, Ontario. – Sue Cook, Owner, Family TLC
“What is the matter with you?”
I remember hearing that question when I was about 10 years old. Our family had flown to England to visit relatives and we were in the sitting room eating cake. Chocolate cake with chocolate icing. My very favourite.
My mom said, “What is the matter with you, can’t you eat that cake properly?” I was puzzled – how do you eat cake properly? I put another piece in my mouth, closed my lips together and savoured the taste. Again I heard the question, “What is the matter with you? If you don’t eat that cake properly, I will send you to eat it in the kitchen!”
That’s fine with me, I thought, I’ll eat anywhere you like, just don’t take my cake away. Still, I figured I guess I’d better try to play along. [Read more…]
In Marriage, Anger Has Many Faces
Anger doesn’t always look like anger. It comes in many different forms, including crying, silence, yelling, keeping score, stubbornness, sarcasm, pouting, guilt tripping, being overly sweet, physical violence, biting your tongue, leaving, avoiding, blowing up, nagging and criticizing. Luckily, almost all angry expressions are preceded by some kind of physical signal, making them easier to recognize in yourself and others.
Anger signals
Some physical signals of anger are: clenching, rapid breathing, looking/feeling flushed or warm, muscle tightening, increased heart rate, rolling eyes, sighing, wringing hands, rubbing head, desire to leave, interrupting and more. Think about your own anger signals. Once you learn to spot these you can choose to interrupt yourself and stop the anger from escalating before it causes damage to you, your partner or your relationship. [Read more…]
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