Divorce Counselling Archives

My Parents’ Divorce – A Personal Story

September 12, 2016 By Sue Cook, RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC separation

I remember the day my mom told me that her and my dad were getting a divorce. I think I will always remember it clearly and vividly, not only the picture but the feelings I felt as well.

My parents’ divorce happened when I was 16 and going through the ups and downs of being a teenager, dealing with the drama of friends and boys, and loving it one minute and hating it the next.

My dad traveled a lot for work so he would be gone across the world one month and then back home the next month. On this particular month he was gone.

I almost preferred our relationship when it was long distance because when he was home my parents fought a lot. It was clear that neither of them were very happy being around each other, and without them intending too, their resentment had an impact on my life. Dinnertime became a stressful event because they were forced to face each other and that meant an argument was sure to ensue. They would talk often about divorce so maybe that’s why I wasn’t so shocked when my mother eventually told me they were getting one. [Read more…]

How to Have Less Divorce Stress

August 19, 2016 By Sue Cook, RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC separation Stress

Your spouse just told you it is over! While anyone in this situation would experience some divorce stress, does it mean you will completely fall apart? Maybe, or maybe not.

What is the difference between those that handle this situation well and those that do not? According to a 2012 study by David A. Sbarra, Hillary L. Smith, and Matthias R. Mehl of the University of Arizona, it is self-compassion.

[Read more…]

Divorce Prevention

August 12, 2016 By Sue Cook, RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC Divorce

Divorce prevention is about understanding that divorces do not just happen. There are phases marriages go through before they end. What phase is your marriage in?

Pleasing – Both spouses feel happy, hopeful and content. They forgive each other and are able to forget.

Familiar – Spouses feel relaxed with each other, but as the normal stressors happen in life they start to build resentment and take each other for granted.

Uncomfortable – Unhappiness starts to set in. Most couples do not know how to communicate their needs directly so they ask indirectly. Do this, do that. They cannot express their real needs and therefore cannot meet each other’s needs.

[Read more…]

Separation: How to Talk to Your Ex

June 6, 2016 By Sue Cook, RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC Parenting

Talking to an ex can be incredibly difficult, especially if emotions are still unresolved, children are involved, there is still anger, resentment and sadness about the demise of the relationship, or several of these things are present. Every situation is unique.

Many people try to avoid talking to their ex at all costs, only communicating through email, texts or a neutral third party.

[Read more…]

Children Coping with Divorce

December 29, 2015 By Sue Cook, RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC child

Some children go through divorce with relatively few problems while others have a very difficult time. For children divorce can be stressful, sad and confusing.

Your words, actions and ability to remain consistent are all important tools to reassure your children of your unchanging love. You may wonder what to say, how to say it, and what your child needs. These are all important questions.

What a child wants and needs during a divorce

For both parents to stay involved in their life to make them feel important and loved
For both parents to work hard at getting along so the child doesn’t feel like they did something wrong
Support from both parents without jealousy or being caught in the middle
Positive reinforcement from each parent about one another

What parents should say, and how they should say it

Tell the truth
Tell them you love them
Talk openly about the changes going on in the family
Answer their questions honestly
Avoid blame
Give age-appropriate explanations
Share important details like new living arrangements

It is normal for children to feel a range of difficult emotions but time, love and reassurance can help in healing. If things get worse rather than better it may be a sign that your child requires additional support. Here are some red flags to watch for:

Sleep problems
Trouble in school
Poor concentration
Self-injury, cutting, or eating disorders
Frequent angry or violent outbursts
Withdrawal from loved ones
Drug and/or alcohol abuse

By providing stability, structure and the comfort of routines, children know what to expect, which can aid in the transition. If you are struggling, there are qualified professionals who can help you, your child and the rest of your family find solutions. At Family TLC we believe that successful parenting requires both love and knowledge.

How to Ease Your Child’s Transition Between Mom and Dad’s House

July 24, 2015 By Sue Cook, RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC child separation

It is no secret that separation and divorce is difficult for everyone involved. It is a time of stress and anxiety and children often have many questions such as, “What’s going to happen to me?”, “Where am I going to live?” or“Who am I going to live with?” Depending on a child’s age, this transition to their new normal may prove to be quite difficult and upsetting.

There are ways in which you can try and ease this transition and make it easier on your child. The biggest way to make this a little calmer on your child is consistency, consistency, consistency! The more things stay the same for the child, the better. For many children, the back and forth between their parents’ houses is what causes the most stress and the change in routine can cause anxiety. Again, it is the unknown that causes the most anguish in any situation. As long as you can keep the child’s routine as similar as possible, the easier this transition will be.

[Read more…]

The Emotional Side of Co-Parenting

June 24, 2015 By Sue Cook, RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC children Parenting separation

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world. It does not come with a manual and your children depend on you to guide them through. You want to do what is best for them and make the right decisions.

Separation and divorce are common in today’s society. A separation affects everyone differently and at varying stages. Communication during and after the separation is key. Many people find it difficult to communicate because your emotions are so intense and you may be in denial about your new reality. You may feel sad, angry, let down, depressed and find it difficult to speak to or communicate with your ex-partner.

[Read more…]

Normal Versus Abnormal Emotions When Going Through Separation and Divorce

March 24, 2015 By Sue Cook, RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC child coping separation

Everyone is bound to have some differences in the way they react to a separation. However, there are normal behaviors, and others that may be an indication of mental illness. This chart will help bring his blurred line between normal and abnormal into focus. [Read more…]

Divorce – One Child’s Story

October 1, 2014 By Sue Cook, RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC child Parenting

When things didn’t work out between my mom and dad I was very sad, confused and angry. My mom and dad separated when I was 9 and my brother was 4. It was Christmas time and so many things began to change from that moment. Dad ended up leaving our home, but before he left he broke a lot of things and tore apart pictures. Our house looked like it had been broken into and I was extremely scared.

Dad was now gone and my mom did what she could but it wasn’t enough. Our house was taken by the bank and my mom only had a short amount of time to pack up everything we had and put it in storage. Mom was embarrassed because there were notices from the bank posted on our front door that all the neighbours could see. The electricity and heat were cut off and we knew she was running out of time. [Read more…]

S.C.A.R – The Emotional Stages of Separation and Divorce

January 17, 2014 By Sue Cook, RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC

When you’re going through divorce, you can expect to experience four distinct emotional stages: shock, crumbling, adjusting, and then relief (S.C.A.R.).

In the first infographic, you see the main feelings that accompany each stage. In the second infographic, you’ll see the types of things you may be thinking and feeling during each of these emotional stages of divorce.

In the final infographic, we offer several coping strategies for each stage.

If you’re going through a divorce, use these charts to better understand what you’re going through and help yourself heal.