The Solitude of Marriage

On April 29, 2013 / Marriage Counselling /

I read a quote on Facebook and it said something like, “I would rather be lonely than with someone who makes me feel alone.” This rang true for me, since at Family TLC many married clients tell us that they feel lonely and they never thought that it would be that way. In order to protect the privacy of our clients I cannot tell you about one in particular, so I will create a fictitious client named Martha who is a composite of many clients.

The shock of unhappiness

Martha remembers the day she realized how unhappy she was in her marriage. It was late at night and she was just sitting down to browse her Facebook account. She had done her usual night time routine of kids, laundry, lunches, dog, dishes. She felt tired but wanted a few minutes of “me” time.

She had been connecting with high school friends through Facebook and it was good to remember the happy times. She had a new message from Mark, who she dated in high school. She felt butterflies in her stomach as she started reading his message. He was showing an interest in her, and asking lots of questions about her.

Martha stopped for a second, and realized it seemed like it had been forever since she had felt this kind of connection. It made her feel excited, sexy and young. Was it just a minute ago she felt tired, worn out and angry?

Losing yourself when you settle

Martha’s husband John was home somewhere but she did not know where. They rarely occupied the same part of the house these days. Come to think of it, they had not talked, well, really talked, since who knows when.

They were both good parents and did everything for the kids. With their combined incomes, they could afford a nice house in a good neighbourhood, and their kids had more than either of them had growing up. But, and this was a big but, they didn’t have a good time together anymore. John did not excite her; he was boring and disappointing.

Even worse, she was losing herself. She did not like this angry, unhappy, lonely woman she had become. She deserved more, but she feared that more for her will mean less for the kids.

Is this marriage worth saving?

Martha realized the marriage was not working. What she didn’t know is whether it could be fixed. Was it salvageable, or should they separate, and what would that be like? How would a separation affect the kids? Even though she deserved more, does that mean the kids deserved less?

Yet how could she keep living like this? Is their marriage giving the kids the best model of a good relationship, or is it teaching them to settle? This was too much to think about. However she knew she could not carry one like this for much longer.

Can you relate to Martha’s story? Do you feel like you just can’t carry on in your marriage? At Family TLC we offer marriage counselling, help for those going through separation and divorce, and individual counselling for those who, like Martha, aren’t sure of the right path to take.

Building Resilience in Children

On April 22, 2013 / Family Counselling /

Resilience is the ability to feel good about yourself in this very changing and chaotic world. Each person is like a rope bridge, and as the bridge swings back and forth, it rubs against rocks and gets worn down – life wears it down. It’s important to have a strong rope with a good coating on it, so that bridge doesn’t break. Resilience provides that coating.

Resilience can help every child be a star – in their own mind and out in the world. A resilient child will be less likely to choose to take drugs, choose to be a bully, or feel anxiety. Resilience creates a strong sense of self and enjoyment of self.

Resilient children are free to experience new things, and venture out and enjoy life. Resilience protects the child from damage, without isolating them from the world. [Read more…]

The Analogy of Loss

On April 15, 2013 / Individual Counselling /

Do you ever feel like no one understands your experience of loss? The best way I know to describe grief is with an analogy I first heard several years ago from a woman who worked in hospice care. I have added to it over the years, and now I would like to share it with you.

The river of life

Imagine you are in your boat on the river of life. Your boat is comfortable and sail worthy. All of a sudden, without warning, the river leads you over Niagara Falls. All you know is you are falling and it is very noisy. You crash into the freezing cold water and drop deep into the turbulent waters. There are bubbles everywhere and you have no idea which way is up. You start to feel pressure in your chest and it feels like you are going to die.

You realize you have to get air. Miraculously, you manage to get your mouth above water and you gulp in some air, only to be pulled under and tossed around again. You continue this way for what seems like an eternity, just managing to steal enough breath to survive. You are exhausted, wet and cold. You are shocked by what happened. You are finding it difficult to carry on as your energy is depleted and nothing is familiar. [Read more…]

Making the Most of Your First Counselling Session

On April 8, 2013 / Counselling /

At Family TLC it is important to us that you get the most of your first and every counselling session. We encourage you to do the following five things to prepare:

Do your homework. Answer all questions on the Intake form in detail so your therapist can review in advance. Read through our “Information for Clients” and “Practice and Privacy Policies.” By completing all of this ahead of time, you can ensure that your counselling session can focus on answering your questions and commencing the therapeutic process.
Write down any questions you have. This will help you remember your priorities even when you’re caught up in the moment at your appointment.
Embrace your nervousness. It is normal to feel nervous when you meet someone for the first time, and it’s actually a very positive sign because it shows that you care about the process. If you are invested in your counselling you will be more successful. Be assured that your counsellor is highly trained and experienced in making people feel comfortable.
Congratulate yourself. At Family TLC our clients are all successful people who, like you, are investing in themselves by taking the time to get expert help and create a plan for success.
Ask yourself what you want to accomplish through counselling. Remember to frame it in the positive. Rather than saying, “I want to deal with my anxiety,” say, “I want to live each day feeling relaxed and calm.” If you know where you are going it is much easier to get there.

Congratulations on being motivated enough to take the first steps towards dealing with your concerns. We are confident that you and your specialist will work well together at creating long-lasting solutions.

You Matter – We All Matter

On December 18, 2012 / Marriage Counselling /

This is an abridged version of a talk I gave at the You Matter conference, October 15, 2012 in Barrie, Ontario. – Sue Cook, Owner, Family TLC

“What is the matter with you?”

I remember hearing that question when I was about 10 years old. Our family had flown to England to visit relatives and we were in the sitting room eating cake. Chocolate cake with chocolate icing. My very favourite.

My mom said, “What is the matter with you, can’t you eat that cake properly?” I was puzzled – how do you eat cake properly? I put another piece in my mouth, closed my lips together and savoured the taste. Again I heard the question, “What is the matter with you? If you don’t eat that cake properly, I will send you to eat it in the kitchen!”

That’s fine with me, I thought, I’ll eat anywhere you like, just don’t take my cake away. Still, I figured I guess I’d better try to play along. [Read more…]

When Your Teen Asks, “Do You Think I am Fat?”

On December 11, 2012 / Family Counselling /

Clinical psychologist Anthony E. Wolf addresses this question in his recent Globe and Mail article, “How to answer your teen’s touchy question.” Dr. Wolf gives excellent suggestions about being straightforward and honest while at the same time being respectful and not lecturing. I agree wholeheartedly with Dr. Wolf’s ideas.

Reading this article has spurred some other thoughts that I would like to share. At Family TLC we have helped many parents of teenagers respond to questions about difficult topics. Here are some additional ideas on what to say and do when your teen asks for your opinion.

First, be conscious of your body language. Turn towards the person, make eye contact, touch them or just think about relaxing your body (you will feel your body follow your thoughts). All of these body movements will quietly demonstrate that you heard them and you are open to hearing more. [Read more…]

In Marriage, Anger Has Many Faces

On December 6, 2012 / Marriage Counselling /

Anger doesn’t always look like anger. It comes in many different forms, including crying, silence, yelling, keeping score, stubbornness, sarcasm, pouting, guilt tripping, being overly sweet, physical violence, biting your tongue, leaving, avoiding, blowing up, nagging and criticizing. Luckily, almost all angry expressions are preceded by some kind of physical signal, making them easier to recognize in yourself and others.

Anger signals

Some physical signals of anger are: clenching, rapid breathing, looking/feeling flushed or warm, muscle tightening, increased heart rate, rolling eyes, sighing, wringing hands, rubbing head, desire to leave, interrupting and more. Think about your own anger signals. Once you learn to spot these you can choose to interrupt yourself and stop the anger from escalating before it causes damage to you, your partner or your relationship. [Read more…]

Why Your Spouse Makes You the Angriest

On November 27, 2012 / Marriage Counselling /

“How can I be so calm one minute, and then the next minute my spouse does or says something and I’m storming off or yelling or shutting down?”

Great question! With our spouse we always want things to be synchronized. We believe we need to be in harmony in order for us to stay together. We subconsciously expect our dreams, visions and thoughts to be in line, happily ever after. So we get scared when things are not synchronized. It hurts us when our spouse does not like something we do or thinks differently about us than we do about ourselves. [Read more…]

Are You an Adult Bully?

On November 21, 2012 / Individual Counselling /

There is little written to adult bullies, even though they are prevalent. Maybe it is time for everyone to ask themselves, “Am I a bully?” Here are some questions I think everyone should reflect on. Try not to deflect these questions, but point the finger at yourself for a few minutes and reflect on your behaviour.

Do you intentionally try to hurt or upset someone else? You might be big or strong but many bullies are small and clever. Maybe because you are an adult, you mask your bullying behind a façade of trying to help, but really if you are honest with yourself, you are trying to control.

Do other people avoid your company? Perhaps they make excuses or say outright, “No, I can’t come”. [Read more…]

Feeling Angry With Your Spouse? What Not to Do

On October 29, 2012 / Marriage Counselling /

Many couples who come to Family TLC say they either avoid talking about things so they don’t get angry or somebody blows up and then the conversation gets heated. This is typical for couples who have never learned how to express anger in a healthy way.

If you think “healthy anger” sounds like a contradiction, you’re not alone. Yet it is possible to calmly talk about the things that you are angry about, resolve those conflicts and then get back to enjoying each other’s company. [Read more…]