Family Counselling Articles - Page 7 of 8

You Matter – We All Matter

December 18, 2012 By Sue Cook, RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC anger

This is an abridged version of a talk I gave at the You Matter conference, October 15, 2012 in Barrie, Ontario. – Sue Cook, Owner, Family TLC

“What is the matter with you?”

I remember hearing that question when I was about 10 years old. Our family had flown to England to visit relatives and we were in the sitting room eating cake. Chocolate cake with chocolate icing. My very favourite.

My mom said, “What is the matter with you, can’t you eat that cake properly?” I was puzzled – how do you eat cake properly? I put another piece in my mouth, closed my lips together and savoured the taste. Again I heard the question, “What is the matter with you? If you don’t eat that cake properly, I will send you to eat it in the kitchen!”

That’s fine with me, I thought, I’ll eat anywhere you like, just don’t take my cake away. Still, I figured I guess I’d better try to play along. [Read more…]

When Your Teen Asks, “Do You Think I am Fat?”

December 11, 2012 By Sue Cook, RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC communication eating disorder

Clinical psychologist Anthony E. Wolf addresses this question in his recent Globe and Mail article, “How to answer your teen’s touchy question.” Dr. Wolf gives excellent suggestions about being straightforward and honest while at the same time being respectful and not lecturing. I agree wholeheartedly with Dr. Wolf’s ideas.

Reading this article has spurred some other thoughts that I would like to share. At Family TLC we have helped many parents of teenagers respond to questions about difficult topics. Here are some additional ideas on what to say and do when your teen asks for your opinion.

First, be conscious of your body language. Turn towards the person, make eye contact, touch them or just think about relaxing your body (you will feel your body follow your thoughts). All of these body movements will quietly demonstrate that you heard them and you are open to hearing more. [Read more…]

In Marriage, Anger Has Many Faces

December 6, 2012 By Sue Cook, RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC anger communication conflict couples preventing separation relationship

Anger doesn’t always look like anger. It comes in many different forms, including crying, silence, yelling, keeping score, stubbornness, sarcasm, pouting, guilt tripping, being overly sweet, physical violence, biting your tongue, leaving, avoiding, blowing up, nagging and criticizing. Luckily, almost all angry expressions are preceded by some kind of physical signal, making them easier to recognize in yourself and others.

Anger signals

Some physical signals of anger are: clenching, rapid breathing, looking/feeling flushed or warm, muscle tightening, increased heart rate, rolling eyes, sighing, wringing hands, rubbing head, desire to leave, interrupting and more. Think about your own anger signals. Once you learn to spot these you can choose to interrupt yourself and stop the anger from escalating before it causes damage to you, your partner or your relationship. [Read more…]

Why Your Spouse Makes You the Angriest

November 27, 2012 By Sue Cook, RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC anger communication conflict couples preventing separation relationship

“How can I be so calm one minute, and then the next minute my spouse does or says something and I’m storming off or yelling or shutting down?”

Great question! With our spouse we always want things to be synchronized. We believe we need to be in harmony in order for us to stay together. We subconsciously expect our dreams, visions and thoughts to be in line, happily ever after. So we get scared when things are not synchronized. It hurts us when our spouse does not like something we do or thinks differently about us than we do about ourselves. [Read more…]

Are You an Adult Bully?

November 21, 2012 By Sue Cook, RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC anger bullying communication conflict

There is little written to adult bullies, even though they are prevalent. Maybe it is time for everyone to ask themselves, “Am I a bully?” Here are some questions I think everyone should reflect on. Try not to deflect these questions, but point the finger at yourself for a few minutes and reflect on your behaviour.

Do you intentionally try to hurt or upset someone else? You might be big or strong but many bullies are small and clever. Maybe because you are an adult, you mask your bullying behind a façade of trying to help, but really if you are honest with yourself, you are trying to control.

Do other people avoid your company? Perhaps they make excuses or say outright, “No, I can’t come”. [Read more…]

Feeling Angry With Your Spouse? What Not to Do

October 29, 2012 By Sue Cook, RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC anger communication conflict couples preventing separation relationship

Many couples who come to Family TLC say they either avoid talking about things so they don’t get angry or somebody blows up and then the conversation gets heated. This is typical for couples who have never learned how to express anger in a healthy way.

If you think “healthy anger” sounds like a contradiction, you’re not alone. Yet it is possible to calmly talk about the things that you are angry about, resolve those conflicts and then get back to enjoying each other’s company. [Read more…]

How Blended Families Can Thrive During Thanksgiving Get-Togethers

October 3, 2012 By Sue Cook, RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC blended families child communication Parenting relationship

Many people want to bring their families together for Thanksgiving but not all family members are willing participants. In a blended family, the reality may be that the children do not want to be there at all or if they do they may feel uncomfortable. So how do you make the Thanksgiving gathering work for everyone? Remember the acronym THRIVE:

Together
Honesty
Rituals
Individual
Viable
Expectations [Read more…]

When the Back to School Honeymoon Ends, the Real Issues Come Out

September 27, 2012 By Sue Cook, RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC ADD-ADHD anger anxiety bullying CBT child PTSD school

It is now the end of September and the back to school honeymoon is over. Has the school called about any behavioural issues? Have you noticed problems at home?

When school-aged children act out it is usually related to one of the three As:

Anxiety
ADD
Anger

Anxiety

At normal levels, anxiety feels natural and is even helpful, as it generally triggers you to prepare, get things done, be careful or be cautious. However, at higher levels anxiety can cause great distress.

When anxiety disrupts the quality of life this way, it is sometimes labelled as GAD (general anxiety disorder, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), phobias, PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), separation anxiety, performance anxiety or social anxiety. [Read more…]

Helping Children Cope in Blended Families

September 14, 2012 By Sue Cook, RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC blended families break up child communication Parenting

In second marriages, a blended family is one that includes children from one or both of the individual’s first households. Children may experience a myriad of emotions in this situation:

Left out of your choice. “Why do I have to live with these other kids?”
Uncertainty. Your child may not know what to expect or what it will mean to have this new person or people in his or her life.
Anger. Your child may not like this change.
Concern. They wonder what their new step-siblings will be like, and how their relationship with their biological parents will change.

These are all common reactions, and there are two important strategies that will help. The first is to be realistic – things won’t be perfect overnight, things may get worse before they get better, and your progress may even move backwards at some points. [Read more…]

The Do’s and Don’ts of Parenting Through Divorce

September 10, 2012 By Sue Cook, RSW, CCC, MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC break up child communication conflict Parenting relationship separation

Parenting through divorce can be challenging. Use these two lists to keep your family healthy.

DO…

Always think about what is in your child’s best interests.
Go out of your way to ensure that your ex is included in your child’s life.
Be flexible.
Reassure your child that they are loved, the divorce is not their fault, and neither parent is going to abandon them.
Remember that children going through a divorce worry about themselves as well as each of their parents – speak openly about these worries so you can reassure them.
Give the child permission to express their feelings freely. Be a model by sharing your own feelings appropriately.
Take care of yourself so your child can be a child and not your caregiver.
Follow through on commitments and promises.
Discuss any proposed schedule changes directly with the other parent.
Respect the other parent’s scheduled time with children and do not schedule plans that will conflict.
Be willing to support and encourage extended family relationships.
Create a calendar for the children so they always know their schedule.

[Read more…]

Anger signals

Anxiety

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